Monday, November 12, 2012


Yes. I have been missing. I have been missing from this blog and my Facebook page, missing from my healthy journey, and in some ways, I have been missing from myself. My whole purpose of making this blog was to be able to keep myself accountable in my running and exercising, and to have a place to share recipes and food ideas, and well, I have been failing at all of the above. My previous posts have been about my stupid hip injury and whining about not being able to run. I have taken a wrong turn somewhere and I'm not sure how to get back on track. I have been eating like shit and feeling like shit. And amazingly, my weight has been staying the same! Sort of. I've been staying within the same 5 pounds (up and down, but mostly up), but I have noticed that I am MUCH MUCH more flabby feeling. Ugh. I hate flab! I'm pretty sure my saddlebags have packed on a nice layer of winter flubber in the last month. Not that I was very muscular before, but I sure can tell the difference now.
I can not decide which path I want to go on. Do I go back to the 17 day diet? It wasn't too bad for me to follow, and I ended up losing 12 or 13 pounds that first 17 day cycle. Do I try to go back to clean eating? I wasn't losing ANY weight on the scale when I was going with that way of eating, but I did notice a difference with that way, too. I do know one thing- every time I even THINK about cutting sweets and junk from my diet, I feel a binge coming on! And I am constantly and forever telling myself that I will start tomorrow. I will eat better tomorrow. I will start my diet tomorrow. Mostly I am saying that right before I am about to stuff my face with some sort of junk.
So anyway, this blog was supposed to be about my journey to fit by the time I turn 40- which is now 326 days from now. My 39th birthday came and went without me doing anything to get back on track. I have lost the whole month of October in this journey. I hadn't really realized what threw me so far off, but I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I think I know what started it all.
About a month ago (timing, right?), I had a bad day at work. Truth be told, I didn't have the bad day that day. The doc that I was working with had the bad day. Several of us had even heard her tell another doc that she was so irritated with herself, she could hardly stand herself. PMS, anyone? So, anyway, there were 3 incidents that day that I was involved with (quite indirectly involved, might I add) and Doc was just downright feeling like being a bitch that day. She threw me under the bus to a patient, blamed me for not finding a mistake that someone else had made weeks before, and was seeming like she was going to go after one of the sono techs for no reason. She was just outright being a bitch. I KNEW at the end of the day, she was running to the office manager about me, and possibly the sono tech. I went home and was sort of laughing about it. Seriously, there was no way that any of it could be blamed on me, because it was all minor stuff anyway, and she was just plain in the wrong. I felt pretty sure about my place in the office, so I was not worried. I ended up going to the office manager the next afternoon to kind of explain things out a little, mostly because I did not want the sono tech to get in trouble b/c the doc was being pissy.
Let me just say, my eyes were OPENED in that meeting. Office manager (OM) was NOT interested in anything I had to say. I explained out every little incident, tried to make her understand that yes, maybe I should have caught others mistakes, but it's not always possible, etc. I was met with a stone cold wall of ice. Never in my life have I been treated like I was being looked down on like that by a boss. She did not like me saying that the Doc was wrong. And dumb ass me- I KNOW they are like BFF's, so I should have just kept my mouth shut. But, noooooo....She told me that if I had a problem in the office, I should come to her, and I had not, so she was unaware that I was having problems. I then pointed out to her that she told me I was up for a raise back in MARCH- and nothing ever came of that- and that I had been with the company for 14 months at that point and I not only didn't see a six month raise, I hadn't seen a yearly raise either. Both of which were part of their standard practice. I also reminded her that I had mentioned my hours had been cut, and I was second in line seniority-wise and I would appreciate getting my hours back- which never happened. I told her I noticed that the last hired co-worker of mine has seemed to rank first in hours, and I didn't know why, but I noticed that she is much more friendly to HER than the rest of us girls. Finally I told her that I noticed that there was a definite divide between the front office girls (where she works) and the back office girls (where I work w/the docs) and it was fine if she wanted to run her office divided. 

Okay. So OM was NOT very happy with my observations. lol I could tell from the get-go in that meeting, that I was the underdog, and no matter what I said, I was going to be wrong. So I put it all out there. And she did not like one word of it. Have you ever helpless? I mean REALLY REALLY helpless, where no matter what you do or what you say, you know it is going to end badly for you? That was me. I felt like I went into that meeting thinking I was going to stick my neck out for a co-worker who might have been misunderstood, and I ended up feeling like my neck was out there just a little too far. Kind of like I had stretched it right over the chopping block and was just waiting for the axe to fall.
OM kind of really didn't have any explanations/excuses for me about the raise thing or the cut hours thing- I seriously thing she forgot she told me that! But she was not going to admit it. Well played. She just went on to saying that she didn't think I was happy there (against my protests about how much I LOVE my job!) and that if I REALLY looked deep inside myself that I would see that maybe this job was not for me. She told me that she felt I had confidence issues and that she could tell that I was really not a happy person. She said I was unfriendly, had an attitude around the office, and attitude with her, not willing to help out around the office, I did not update charts, etc.-she pretty much pointed out EVERY SINGLE MISTAKE that I had made from the beginning-even ones I had made as a newbie. But 6 months ago, I was up for a raise??? When I questioned her about that, she did not answer. I knew what she was doing. I was bawling by then (and I STILL start to cry even now reliving the whole thing) and she just sat there being a stone faced bitch. She said that we would have to wait and see if this was the right place for me and that after awhile, the matter of a raise will be reconsidered. STILL- I wanted to know WHAT HAPPENED TO MY RAISE in MARCH?? She intended to shut me up and put me in my place because she did not have any answers for me. And it worked.
I walked out of that office that day feeling like I was pea-sized. She set out to crush me, and she did. If nothing else, I have ALWAYS had confidence in my professional self. I am NOT unfriendly and I told her that HER office girls walk in right past ALL of us back office girls and never say good morning unless we say it first. I told her that yes, maybe I seemed a bit unfriendly toward HER, but only because she seemed to totally ignore every single thing I have come to her about! And I ALWAYS help out around the office! Trust me- I did nothing that WHOLE weekend but straight out obsess over every single interaction with the NP's and Docs that I could possibly remember in the past year. I seriously beat myself up and down over the whole thing. I ended up tracing some things back to that one doc and possibly one of the NP's who I loved, but sometimes got the feeling that she didn't love me so much. I immediately unfriended everyone in my office on FB but for one co-worker that I really trust. I just could NOT stop thinking that everyone was talking about me and what an unfriendly, and shitty worker I was. I have never had anyone turn me into such a headcase like that. Never.

I had 2 choices. I could either suck it up and hold my head up and kiss major ass every single day, or I could quit the best job I had ever had. Either way, I was gonna hate it. I decided that I would go in there, grit my teeth, and play all 'unicorns and rainbows' from then on out. I made it a major point to go around to the WHOLE office and tell every single person 'Good Morning' and also 'Good Night'. Every single one. Every single day. And I still do. Do they make it a point to come to the back and tell US good morning and good night? No. So whatever. I talk to the OM like we never had words and act like I really like her (NOT) and I compliment her on her (slutty for office standards) outfits. When I work with that doc, I majorly kiss ass. And I don't think it was any coincidence that the week after our 'bad day', she came down with some inner ear infection that makes her dizzy and nauseous and could affect her for up to 6 weeks! HA! 

I call that KARMA, baby!!!

Things have seemed to go better for the last few weeks. I know that sometimes I did not make an effort to seem like i was interested in some of the front office girls. Now I make the effort- even though most do not reciprocate. Big surprise.
And finally- FINALLY- I will be seeing a return for all of the ass kissing.OM sat down with me the other day and told me that in the last few weeks, she has noticed a big difference in my attitude around the office and my attitude toward her and that some of the other NP's have also noticed. That she was happy that we had our 'discussion' and appreciates that I am putting forth an 'effort' and that I will see a raise on my next pay.
I thanked her and smiled, and bit my tongue and let her affectionately squeeze my shoulder like we are friends because I deserve my damn raise. Gag.
And I call bullshit.
#1. No other NP's have noticed a difference and told her that I am so much nicer. I have discussed the conversation with my NP's b/c I work with THEM. Not with HER. They were shocked that she said such things about me because I do a great job helping them out AND trying to look out for them.  I even confided in one of the other docs. She indicated that she was aware of what happened (b/c NOTHING is private in that office) and gave me a look of pity and told me to hang in there because I do a 'stellar' job :)  The NP that I might be suspicious about took another job- so she is only there once a week now and I have yet to work with her again. I KNOW she didn't say anything about noticing a change in my attitude and efforts.
#2. The words I underlined previously- toward her- now THOSE words spoke volumes to me. It was confirmation enough for me that HER whole attitude toward me was because I was not kissing her ass!! And I know better! I knew from day one that she runs that office. The main doc does not want to involve herself in the office end of things. So I knew that everything in the office had to go through OM. So basically, if she don't like you- you are shit out of luck. I knew a long time ago that she did not view me as 'front office worthy'. I think I did mention that to her in our original conversation. I don't think she liked how I put that either :) I did my training for school in this office, so I have been trained in all aspects of this office as part of my schooling. It doesn't matter how many times I offer to help work up there by answering phones, checking in, etc., it is never going to happen. They have needed help before, and I have offered, but it's a no go. So be it.
#3. I am not only getting a raise, but I am getting a raise that TOTALS the amount that I should have been given at my 6 months, ALONG WITH the amount I should have been given at a year. Hmmmm....perhaps she doesn't think I can do math. I mean seriously, what does it take to get someone to apologize and admit they might have made a mistake??

So yeah. I have been a little out of sorts for the last month or so. I felt belittled, unappreciated, and ignored. My confidence was shattered. And somewhere in there, I gave up.
Now, I'm not saying that it is all my OM's fault that I gave up on myself. That is completely and totally something that I claim full responsibility for. BUT- the fact that I sat there and listened to her say confidence- crushing things to me and about me, even though I knew she was only doing it to break my spirit- it STILL did just that. It broke my spirit. And that made me realize something else.
The fact that I was able to quit so easily after being degraded by someone I work with, made me realize how difficult it is for one to stick to a program without having the support of the people you love and depend on.
I love my husband, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I wish he was a little more supportive of my efforts. I would even appreciate it more if he were to actually JOIN ME in my efforts. But alas, he is a hard head, and he is not going to do anything that he feels he is being FORCED to do. Still, he is somewhat supportive. When I told him that I had a goal of 100 miles in the month of August, he did make an effort at times to make sure I had time to get my run in on some of the days with busy kids schedules.
There really are many out there that DON"T have support. We all need to support each OTHER, because we know what it is like to have to make a decision between seeing a change on the scale or in our clothes that week, and deciding to eat that Klondike Bar- which I shamefully just did.
So I jumped on the treadmill and got a mile and a half in. It has been awhile since I have even touched my tready, but it felt good! I took it somewhat slow, and my hip is feeling fine! I have been so scared about it because every time I have run  in the last 2 months, it has been with pain. Maybe my fall off the wagon has benefited me in some ways. Time will tell. I am going to recommit to my running. I don't want to push myself too hard, but I am going to try for at least 1 mile every day for the rest of the month. Some days I may get more in, but for getting back into it, one mile sounds reasonable.Wish me luck!
Also, in order to keep me continuing on this journey, I am going to be tapping into my more creative side. I am highly addicted to Pinterest, and I will be doing some Pinterest-inspired projects and outfits! Every one wants to look goooood in their clothes, so I have something to work toward! I'll post again soon because I have already begun to work on some things! 

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